She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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