Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
