why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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