I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
