I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
