its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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