hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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