I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
