I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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