My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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