remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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