You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
