I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
