He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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