I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
