Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
