apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize
