4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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