u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
