I think im going to throw up on grandma
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
