Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
