just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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