he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
