Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
