i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
