ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
