Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
