my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
