3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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