eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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