i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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