Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
