My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
