I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
