She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
