i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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