I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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