I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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