Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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