Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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