How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dick very happy bro
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
