Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
