Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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