just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
