She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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