I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize