You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
