I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
