If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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