just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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