I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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